She whines: ::::but... I'm a writer::::

Lately, it doesn't feel that way. I'm still writing, well more like drabbling. I've been stagnant for ages on my novel. I truly believe it's a good story idea. I think it's still timely and I think it could be a really good novel, once I finish it. I like my characters and I really enjoy the process of writing, but I've come to the conclusion that what I've got on "computer" --- heh... I rarely write out anything on paper anymore-- is going nowhere.

My plot is unraveling as fast as my knit blanket after the dog gets his dewclaws into it. I've been toying with the idea of starting over. I think I made too many leaps and jumps into the "future" setting of the book and I can't figure out a plausible way to weave all the parts together. I probably have too many characters and things happening. I've let one character, who was never suppose to be so important take control. The book isn't about him-- and yet, I've fallen for this character and want to make him sympathetic, when really, I don't think he should be. Then I think my main character is turning into a sniveling, whiny, Drama Queen. I don't know. I'm just totally lost right now. I don't think it's unsalvageable or hopeless, just a bit out of focus.

I guess I'm feeling like I'll never finish the book and I want to. I want to have written a novel one day. It may not ever be the great American novel. That's fine. It probably won't get published by some cool publishing company (I can self-publish it... no problem. It may cost me a fortune and I may never make dime). I'm really ok with that. I have other stories in my head. I've always had stories in my head. I remember sitting in my high school classes writing short stories. I still have them somewhere in a file box somewhere, it's a blue plastic one, letter size. I think it's in the guest room closet. I can even remember a few of the stories I wrote now. I'm sure the stories will keep coming; I just want to finish something. I have tons of complete fanfic stories-- some WIPs, and other ideas that I want to write in the near future, but I just can't get the words to come out or the characters to talk to me. It sucks, man.

So here I sit night after night, thinking about this story, wondering just how much of it makes any sense. The act of actually hitting the delete key and getting rid of so much prose is terrifying, but I really only like the first 5 chapters. I'm lost from there on out. Don't get me wrong, there are things I really like that I've written after the first few chapters. I think there are some great scenes and plotlines for the story-- but somewhere from the first sentence and the last sentence (yes, I have the ending semi-written) I have way too much going on and it's messing me up. Needless to say, I'm a bit frustrated. Betcha couldn't tell.

I'm not quite sure of why I posted this, but I couldn't sleep. My body is always ready for an 11:30 bedtime, but my head isn't. And it must be. I have to work in the morning. I'm working on a project for work with a few other agents in the office and then trekking down to Albuquerque with summerfling to go see "Fame, the Musical". And in March I have tickets to see "RENT". Gotta get some sparkly squee in this journal every now and then.


ETA: Took out the whiny RL bit. I'll save that for another post. Somewhere else.